6 Things Every Good Marriage & Bonsai Need

I want to share with you something that’s been going on for years in my marriage. It may surprise you. It may even shock you. But it is one of the best things we’ve done and we don’t plan to stop anytime soon.

Bonsai. Not Banzai like the suicidal fighter pilots. Bonsai (pronounced bone-sigh,) cultured trees in pots.

It was almost 11 years ago my husband and I bought our first bonsai tree. It was a pretty juniper, about a foot tall with a twisted trunk in a shallow glazed oval shaped pot. We got some basic care instructions… water it every day, keep it outside in the sun, trim it when needed, re-pot it every couple of years. After a few months we started researching how to really care for this tree and discovered that taking care of bonsai is more like adopting a pet. It really needs attention. So we went looking for some help.

We found San Pu Kai (which means “Wind From the Mountain”), a club for bonsai enthusiasts. What we really found was a group of generous people who wanted to share their knowledge and friendship with us. They had a monthly meeting on a Tuesday night not far from where we lived so we made it a date. It was so fun we decided to join the club and make it our monthly date night.

That first tree we had is long gone, and sadly we’ve killed many trees along the way, but we’ve also learned a lot and grown in our love and appreciation for bonsai as an art and for our marriage as a relationship. The time we spend together at club and at home working on our trees is usually wonderful. Occasionally we disagree on the finer points of which branch to trim or which way to style but overall it is quality time that we connect with each other and God’s creation in a unique way.

Last weekend our club had it’s Annual Spring Bonsai Show at the Flower Fields in Carlsbad, Ca. I worked the sales table and my husband helped with set-up, tear-down and overnight security for the trees. Sitting at the show together, watching folks admire the trees and answering questions about how we care for them really got me thinking about how good bonsai and good marriages have so much in common.

Here Are The 6 Things Every Good Marriage & Bonsai Need

Daily Water – It is essential. With limited roots in small pots bonsai trees need daily water. If a bonsai dries out it stresses the tree. The roots dry out. The branches wilt, the leaves turn brown, the tree dies. Trees can’t survive without water. Our bodies can’t survive without water. As individuals and in our marriage relationships we need the water of God’s Word on a daily basis for encouragement, hope and grace. Our marriages might be able to function ok for a while, but without God’s word we also will be stressed and in danger of our hearts drying out and becoming hard toward the Lord and our spouse.

“Blessed is the man
who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
but his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree
planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.”
Psalm 1:1-3

Good Soil – Trees need good soil to anchor, protect, and grow good roots. In the Gospels Jesus explains that the soil is the heart. What kind of soil is your heart toward your spouse? Is it hard and stony? Does it hold on to bitterness making the roots rot? Is it porous and able to deliver the water and nutrients needed to feed the roots and encourage growth?

“As for that in the good soil, they are those who, hearing the word, hold it fast in an honest and good heart, and bear fruit with patience.” Luke 8:15

Patience – Bonsai trees grow very slow. You plant a seed and water it and wait. You can landscape the perfect garden in a day, but somebody somewhere had to plant those seeds or root some cuttings and then wait for them to mature. If you have a tree that flowers or fruits you have to water and fertilize and wait and water some more and wait some more. Bonsai is a long hobby and marriage is a long commitment. For most people the marriage ideal is “until death do us part.” The Guinness World record for the longest marriage was 90 years. 90 years! And the oldest bonsai tree is estimated to be over 1000 years old. There is even a 392 year old Pine Bonsai in the National Arboretum in Washington, D.C. that survived the atomic blast at Hiroshima. Click Here to read about the 7 oldest known bonsai trees in the world. Bonsai can’t be rushed and neither can maturity in marriage.

Pruning Into Shape – The shape of every bonsai tells its story. Most bonsai are designed to look old and weathered, as if they defied every storm and have stood the test of time. Sometimes a branch in one position will be allowed to grow to fatten the trunk and then pruned later after it served its purpose. Pruning is healthy and inspires more growth. Change is constant in our lives and marriages. Jobs change, homes change, churches change, kids grow up and move away, people we love pass away. Over time a young marriage becomes a mature marriage, especially if we continue to love each other through all the storms and changes life throws at us.

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.” John 15:1-2

Seasonal Care – As the seasons change so does how you care for a bonsai tree. In the winter trees grow slow so you don’t fertilize as much because it could burn the roots. If there will be frost you must protect the tree so the fragile branches don’t die. In the summer you water most often because the soil dries out faster. After a burst of spring growth you prune what has grown wild. Marriages have seasons too. Life looks different for a couple with no children, small children, teenagers, or grown children. Don’t be impatient with the season you’re in, but find people who can mentor you through it. Wives, your husband needs your respect and attention as much as the kids do. Husbands, your wives need extra affection and help on the days they feel overwhelmed. Don’t let each other dry out or get frost-bit or get root-rot, take care of each other in every season.

Attention vs. Neglect – Nobody ever made a bonsai by accident. Strong marriages don’t happen by accident either. Taking care of bonsai can teaches us how to take care of each other in marriage, friendships and even our kids. Bonsai are fragile and susceptible to things like spider mites, aphids, molds and fungi. Neglecting a tree can allow these problems to get out of control and the tree suffers and eventually dies. Marriages are no different and are in danger from outside attack as well. Discontent and comparison can do great damage. The old saying goes that “the grass is greener on the other side,” but the point of that is that the grass only “appears” greener. The grass is greenest where you water and tend it and pull weeds. You can grow healthy bonsai and healthy marriages but it requires time and attention.

Do you and your spouse share a hobby? If you do I’d love to hear about it below in the comments. Do you play sports together? Go to concerts together? Work out/hike together? Do puzzles? Cook? Garden? If you and your spouse don’t share a hobby think about trying one their hobbies or asking them along with you. Even if it doesn’t become a lifelong passion it will be time well spent and a fresh source of water to keep that grass nice and green.